


The Number You Have Reached

by CaffieneKitty



Category: Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Phone Calls & Telephones, Telemarketing, debt collection agency, spontaneous freelance evil plotting lessons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-05
Updated: 2010-05-05
Packaged: 2017-12-29 07:58:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1002916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffieneKitty/pseuds/CaffieneKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a passing comment about a specific type of phone call.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Number You Have Reached

**Author's Note:**

> _Originally posted on Livejournal May 5, 2010_

"Hello?"

"This is the Receivables Recovery Group, and we require immediate payment or we will undertake legal proceedings!"

"Legal proceedings? Pft."

"This is a very serious matter! We require payment of this debt immediately! Am I speaking to William-"

"Yeah, look, I've got a pot of Wonderflonium I'm reducing on the stove right now. No time to chat."

"You must pay or there will be dire consequences!"

"Oh come on! That didn't sound dire at all! What's the point of even uttering threats if you aren't _trying?_ "

"We- what?"

"Okay, firstly, you're not breathing deep enough. If you want to sound menacing, you can't sound like a strangled chipmunk."

"This is a serious matter!"

"Yeah, see? Strangled chipmunk. You sound twelve. Take a deep breath. Stretch your diaphragm."

"This is an issue that must be resolved! There will be legal proceedings!"

"Nope. Still chipmunky. I don't care about your legal proceedings, and if I did, I certainly wouldn't resolve them with an underaged rodent. You need to sound menacing. Have you considered a vocal coach?"

"This-!"

"No, no, no. Deep breath, try again. Elongate your windpipe. Here, let me demonstrate."

"It's not-"

"IF YOU DARE CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, YOU PECUNIARY PIPSQUEAK, I'LL UNLEASH MY HORRIBLE WRATH UPON YOUR OFFICES AT... 1619 Pine Terrace, right?"

"Uh. Yeah."

"Great, you can never be sure with MapQuest. I mean seriously, they put my lair in the middle of the Bay. Not that that's a bad idea, underwater headquarters. I could make it work but it's not really my milleau. It'd rock for Moist though if he ever sets his sights higher than henchman. Hm... Sorry, where was I?"

"Uh...Horrible wrath?"

"Yes, right. I'LL UNLEASH MY HORRIBLE WRATH UPON YOUR OFFICES AT 1619 PINE TERRACE, AND YOUR OFFSPRING WILL CURSE YOUR VERY NAME FOR CENTURIES. Bwahahahaha, etcetera. See? The wording needs some work, but it's the tone and delivery that really matter."

"I, uh-"

"Do you have an evil laugh?"

"Evil laugh?"

"In your line of work, you should really consider developing an evil laugh. It seems to me it'd be a small easy step from debt collection to extortion, and so on from there; pretty soon you'll have plans for world domination and no evil laugh and then where will you be?"

"But- but I don't want to dominate the world, I just want to collect on this debt!"

"Well, you aren't going to."

"But-"

"Get used to disappointment. Or do like I did. Gather it up over a lifetime and let it fester until you're evil enough to accomplish something significant." *KER-SPRONKLE*

"What was that!?"

"Oh no! My Wonderflonium!" *click*

"Hello? Hello?? Man, I should've stuck with telemarketing." *click*

\- - -  
(that's all)


End file.
